My biggest problem was that I have never really learned to let go of him.All those years I treated him like something of my own, I took him for granted and never even accepted the idea that it might come a day when he would stop being there for me. After more than 5 years, that day finally came and I let go of him easily, never looking back, being too in love with my freedom, with the excitement that came with a new relationship. I just closed that door, leaving mechanically all my feelings for him locked up in the past, in my memories, in every single detail that made our love story to become so epic and doomed.
It took a monster to see that I lost an angel. He, that blue-eyed boy was my soul mate, regardless of the faults and the lack of some imaginary traits that I searched within him. I was too stubborn and selfish for my own good.
He treated me as a lover would treat his mistress, he caressed me as a pianist would caress his piano, he read me as a writer his own books, he patterned me as a sculptor would his statue. I felt so safe and adored in his presence, so idealized that it never came to my mind I don’t deserve being treated like that.
I walked in and out of our relationship because every time I felt the need to live something different, exciting and refreshing. I often felt the urge to run away from him not because I was afraid of his love, I just felt too safe with him. It burkes my soul the thought of being nailed down to this fate I was walking into. Never was I so scared in my life of being a wife and a mother, then I was with him, although I knew I would be the happiest, in both cases.
I am a rebel, always was, always will be. However, he loved me and accepted me the way I was. Not even perfect in shape and color. Not even beautiful to begin with, but he still made me see myself as something so amazing, so perfect. It scared me.
Now, I regret most of all not the fact that I lost him, but the simple truth of making him miserable. I was so self-pleasing, so egoistic and it never crossed my mind that I’m already asking the impossible from him, as he gave all of himself to me.
Everyone gets what they deserve. I know now that it was me who didn’t ever deserved him. He was a blessing from God, and I defiled it.
Never will I forgive me for hurting him, for playing with his feelings. Never will I be so beloved and adored as I was by him. Never will I be as happy as I was with him. Never- it’s not such a long time, cause life passes by so quickly we don’t even have time to say we’re sorry.
This is my way to ask your forgiveness.
I was always poor with motions and full of words. I only can hope that my words can make up for all my faults.
Be happy and never change.
Know that you will be the angel I pray to every night.
To you my inspiration, my sculptor, my friend.